Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.