Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

guys i’ve cracked the code

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.