Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Cake safety first. Always.

I really had high hopes for this year though

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish