Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Bruh 😂
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?