Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

This is true.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?