Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.