“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.