Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

me watching my own Instagram story

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

The Others (2001)

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.