Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
✌🏽
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly