Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.