Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
me opening up to someone
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.