Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Day 2 of my diet
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week