Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.