Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
You Might Also Like
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
This is my cat’s medicine.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
