Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today