Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser