Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks