Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
grotesque if literal: baby food
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
