Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Worth the read.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

fourth time’s the charm

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????