Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

this post was so formative to me

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.