Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My purse is deeper than some people.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato