Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody