Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Mmmm. Shoeshi

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”