Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Husband of the year 😂
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.