Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
5 ways to appear taller
