Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.