Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
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They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Straight people are cancelled
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.