“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets