“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Not helping
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.