Just added something to my bucket list.
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.