Just added something to my bucket list.
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.