Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Grandmother clock.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

bought wrong eggs