Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket