Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.