Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
realest tweet ever.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Worlds greatest photobomb
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
