Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.