Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*returns lost dog*
Lady: That’s not him. He was white
Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)