@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.

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@QwertyJones3

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

@OfficeofSteve

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@GrowlyGrego

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

@Mr_Kapowski

*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward

@davidleecourt

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

@SissiSay

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)