[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
the short answer to this question
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now