just arby’s bein’ a bro
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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The most precious boy
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
🤣🤣🤣🤣
