just arby’s bein’ a bro
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hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees