just arby’s bein’ a bro
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here