Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
technique
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?