Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!