Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I don’t get marriage
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family