Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

Received some very disappointing news today

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.