Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news