Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

The legends speak of a third Duran…

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

I love you…

…r dog.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions