Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.