Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
You Might Also Like
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row