Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I get distracted pretty eas

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do