Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.