Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

😂🐾

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism