Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
12653.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong