Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
🥴😂
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Sounds like a bargain
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.