Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
But is it really??
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.