Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.