Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
You Might Also Like
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma