Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.