Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

All excellent questions

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

My life coach traded me.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1