Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Tuesday

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Aight bet

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Don’t snitch tag.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

concern

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?