Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

PLOT TWIST:

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

ew if literal: let me be clear

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?