Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.