Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
<- sleeps well with others
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.