Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.