Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

this site is so cooked lol

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”