Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.