just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
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boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:![]()
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me My dog
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Last-minute gift idea!
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me![]()
Guantanamo Bae
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.