Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it’s time to get groceries.

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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”


[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.


I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.


I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”


So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?


I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.


I just attempted a smoky eye and long story short, the raccoons have made me their leader


If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.


It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.