@Sassafrantz

Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it’s time to get groceries.

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

@RocketRankoon

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@andylassner

So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@itsmebeegee07

I just attempted a smoky eye and long story short, the raccoons have made me their leader

@sixthformpoet

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

@TheCiscoKidder

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.