Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
welp
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.