Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
You Might Also Like
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
in the ocean
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
pls suprot
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?