Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
What.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.