Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I drew y’all a little something.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.