Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hydraulic press for headaches

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job