just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.