Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Moms. The original autocorrect.

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.