Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.