Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends