Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
You Might Also Like
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.