Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.